High In the Sky

Jennifer, our first child, was born in 1964. She was a careful, rather quiet individual, private and a thinker. When I took her for her first day of Kindergarten I told the teacher that she was shy. After a day or so she corrected me: "No, Mrs. Hawks, she's reserved, not shy. She checks things out before she joins in." Mrs. I-Don't-Remember-Her-Name was right on.

Four years later Ms. Dana-Banayna joins the family. From the moment she's born she is Personality Central. I wrote a poem about her once, that began: "Neighborhood girls would take her for walks, she was such a friendly baby."

Therein could be the theme.

I have a photo of Dana on the beach, she was probably 3 years old. She's posed -- or scrawled -- and that is the beginning of my realization that my 2nd child has a slogan on her forehead, which reads:

ANYTHING GOES!
(Big Time)

Well, it took a few more years before she began to fulfill the prophesy, and she did it fully.

In her teens she began to skip school, hang out with the wrong people -- I know, I know, she was one of them! It was just the two of us. Jen was in college and doing her own life. Dana's father and I had divorced when she was 3-ish. We lived in California, he in New York. It got to be hellish.

I had to do tough love when she was 18. She had her forehead label on, pulsating. I was doing all the classic things to enable her. She was into drugs and alcohol. And whatever. So she had to leave. It sickened me. We were close to hating each other.

I did Al-Anon for a few years, which saved my life.

Long shot into future. It took years for her to come around and decide to change her life. In 1997, when she was 28, she checked herself into a rehab facility and spent the next TWO YEARS getting clean and sober. We celebrate her anniversary.

When Dana and her partner Monica were visiting earlier this month -- they live in New York -- we went to a carnival at a park in town. Right before we left to go home Dana wanted a last ride that Monica and I were not in the least bit interested in. Like risking our lives. There went Ms. Anything Goes, flying in a disc way too high in the sky. Then she threw her arms up -- not holding onto to anything -- and had the most glorious 5 minute ride in the sky.

My "baby" had made it, and was gloriously alive.

Oh, and big sister Jennifer is no slouch either. She's had a few different careers, now lives in Canada and supports herself as a freelance writer. She also is a pilot -- a very careful one. More on her later.

The St. Thomas Shark

I promise this will be the last stuff about sharks for a while. Just that these past 2 weeks the Animal Planet channel has been featuring stories on sharks – all different kinds, all over the world. I remain fascinated.

Last night it was all about Great Whites, which are the most deadly of all shark species. They score the most fatal attacks on folks, everywhere. Well, there is a guy who dives and SWIMS with Great Whites. And doesn’t get bitten. He has developed a technique whereby he lightly strokes the front of their snouts and they go into a sleeplike trance called Tonic Immobility. They will roll onto their backs and lie suspended in the water.

It reminded me of how we tamed our cockatiel, Princess. She had not been hand raised by the breeder and was quite skittish, only feeling safe in her cage. We wanted more contact. One day we discovered that she liked her head scratched. We proceeded to do this by sticking our fingers thru the bars of the cage. She would go into a totally relaxed trance, closing her eyes. Gradually we coaxed her out of the cage for short periods, always including a head scratching. After several weeks of this Princess came out readily, sat on our fingers, shoulders, and liked to join us for breakfast. Now she’s Daddy’s Girl and will sit on Patrick’s forearm until she gets a treatment.

I believe that all living beings have a soft spot.

Many years ago I was visiting St. Thomas alone. It was dead winter in New York, I had a little extra money, so had treated myself to some sun. I met a gentleman (at least I thought he was) and we went dancing. At one point during the evening he isolated me and proceeded to get way too friendly. He could have overpowered me easily, and we both knew it.

Divine intervention is the only explanation for what happened next. I just started blurting out phrases such as: “I’m really worried about my daughter. She’s been misbehaving lately, and I just don’t know what to do!” He immediately stopped the physical stuff and began giving me fatherly advice. He walked me back to my hotel and very courteously said good night.

I had miraculously found his soft spot. And, since I believe in a Higher Power, I knew I’d had help.

I think I have figured out why time flies by just as fast as when I worked -- even though I’m retired. Why so many of us retired folks state that we don’t know how we had the time to work.

It's that we substitute leisure activities during the times we used to work. In the 7 months since I retired I have had more social lunches, have read more books, have taken more trips than I ever did before. Seven months have whizzed by in a blur. A lovely blur of rainbow colors.

I am also more conscious than ever about Time. How it is precious and I cannot waste a moment of it. Which is why we must spend time with people who are generous, kind, loving and caring. Being in another’s presence means that our energy is interfacing which means we affect and are affected by one another. Not a theory.

And this brings me to the conclusion that I must let go of certain people whom I have considered “Friends.” Many of them for decades. If they don’t contribute to the quality of my life then they are not Friends. Just people I know. When I said this to Daughter Dana and her Monica yesterday they agreed that this may be my Year of Clearing Out.

I really don’t know how to go about it – at all. Does one say, “I really don’t want to talk to/be around you any more?” Letting someone down gradually sounds appealing, however, is it honorable? Or do I tell L. that finding out that she has a vicious streak makes me want to avoid her? That when J. pressures me to do things her way I go cold? That I need to tell F. she embarrasses me by the way she treats others when we’re out together?

Many questions, not many answers. At least today.

I am signing off for now.